While girls dreamed of the perfect romance and wedding, my sights from childhood were fixed on creating a vibrant, dynamic family. My knowledge from excellent parents, incredible mentors, and my psychology degree boiled down into one simple theory: give generously to your family members. The theory’s beauty is in its simplicity: by placing the needs of others above our own, we let other people win at our expense. And in healthy relationships, they are doing the same for us. Thus we create a web upholding others with our generous acts all the while being upheld by the generosity of others. While I still firmly believe that living out the generosity theory enhances the quality of life, I have found that its execution by us imperfect humans takes a lifetime of understanding and practice. So here are a few truths I have learned from my five years of marriage and two kids which help transform this theory into a reality.
1. Know What You Love.
A few weeks into our dating relationship, my husband returned from a family walk with my favorite citrus, a kumquat. My heart melted knowing though he rarely he sees his beloved sister, he was thinking of me. The longer I am married, the more I understand which generous acts speak to my heart.
Take time to get to know yourself and what makes you feel treasured. A kind word, a tender hug, a picnic in the living room or a helping hand in the kitchen may fill you up, enabling you to give in more rich, meaningful ways. Making and sharing lists of ways you and kin want others to show affection will help them know you more deeply. This deep understanding leads them to invest in your life in a way that renews your spirit and energy, thereby enabling you to freely give of yourself.
2. Crack their Code.
Sometimes I relate so well to my family. Other times I wonder if we are even from the same planet. Their ways of relating is like an encrypted code that needs to be deciphered. I have spent countless hours expressing love in a way that feels meaningless to my husband. In order to give generously, I must crack my family members’ codes so my words and actions are significant. When my family responds to me with smiles in their eyes, I know they feel treasured.
3. Beauty is in the Eye of the Beholder.
Every Friday for over 40 years, a co-worker’s husband delivered coffee and a dozen roses to his wife. There was only one problem. She hated it! Many women love receiving flowers, but for some reason my co-worker did not share this view. Likewise, things that make my husband feel valuable sometimes seem worthless to me and visa versa. Often we try to speak the other’s love language, but in uncomfortable situations, we can make things worse by relating only in the way we feel loved. Giving generously means finding a way to give that is beautiful to the recipient.
4. Be Gracious.
Learning to move out of your comfort zone to uphold others is challenging, messy and riddled with mistakes. Recognize and be grateful for the steps others are taking to meet your needs in a new way, and be patient with yourself as you begin to understand others better. Learning is respectful love!
5. Be Authentic.
When my husband expressed his desire to be asked more questions, I creatively incorporated questions into our marriage. We played games with questions, celebrated holidays getting to know each other better and I asked questions about almost every activity he did. After three years of asking questions, I was shocked to hear him repeat his request. Try as I may, I was not meeting my husband’s need. Learning to fill someone’s emotional bank account takes time and authenticity. Ask your family members how well you are filling their love buckets. Share with others what they are doing well and what may need adjusting, even if you do not yet know the change you desire.
6. Make the First Move.
Misunderstandings happen but the repercussions can be short lived if you put aside your pride and take steps toward reconciliation. Following the lead of my husband, I have been growing in this area. I see how most of our disagreements are simply two well-intentioned people with varying perspectives. By generously offering forgiveness and attempting to understand one another, we both grow in wisdom and understanding.
The best relationships are ones in which you understand others and are sincerely understood. To gain this, you must give generously of your whole self and embrace authentic conversations that over time bring you closer together. Only then can you rest in the web of support created from others’ generosity.
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Let’s be honest. When I think of generosity the first word that comes to mind is money. I have an unfortunate, automated response: take a defensive step backward, pull my purse snug under my shoulder, and brace myself for what comes next.
There are a lot of financial expectations for us during the holiday season, but I’d like to suggest that we have much more to offer than money.
Redefining Generosity
According to Google dictionary, there are two definitions for generosity:
The quality of being kind and generous. (neighborly love)
The quality of being plentiful or large. (material abundance)
My natural defensiveness at the word generosity is a clear indication of how our culture values the second definition more highly than the first. As Americans, we often define ourselves by what we have and it can skew the way that we define and therefore respond to giving. It feels natural to give material resources to those who lack our physical comfort but it’s another ordeal entirely to meet another person’s emotional and relational needs.
“Most North Americans define poverty as a lack of material things and so our solutions tend toward providing material things towards people,” (When Helping Hurts).
The irony is that the poor often define poverty in far more psychological and social terms – a lack of dignity, hopelessness, and broken relationships. I can’t help but question whether the poor’s version of poverty has extended to all classes in America. With such a great emphasis placed on material resources, is it possible that we have overlooked the relational poverty occurring all around us?
There seems to be a tension in our culture. We can all feel it regardless of what family you come from, what stage you’re at in life, or who you voted for president. This tension is a burden we all share in common and it’s overwhelming. I look around at friends and family only to realize that they are experiencing the same thing. How many of us continue the same routine every day, feeling hopeless, lacking trusting relationships, wondering if we will amount to anything, and too anxious to step out and make a change?
People all over the country are crying out for material and political liberation, which is important, but much of what we lack is the feeling that we are valued and understood.
Perhaps it’s time to change the way we perceive generosity in order to meet the needs of the people around us.
Tell Me Something Good
I’d like to suggest an alternative way to give this holiday season: by identifying, sharing, and celebrating in the good qualities of the people around us.
I'm ready to end the race for negativity. Most of us are aware of our own faults. We may try to cover them up, we may even try to hide it from ourselves, but we know they exist and we often feel helpless in the struggle to overcome them. When we recognize the good in others and ourselves, it gives us something to aspire to rather than a negative attribute that we must actively fight.
We know about the effectiveness of positive reinforcement for children. Why not do the same for each other? Let’s place an emphasis on understanding before being understood. Let’s recognize the good-intentions lurking beneath the mistakes of the people next to us. Let’s applaud each other for small successes and small improvements, creating a sense of purpose, hopefulness, and trust.
Tell each other something good!
]]>Money cannot buy happiness, unless you spend it on others
Research proves that giving makes us far happier than receiving. It turns out that no matter your income, those who spend money on others are more joyful than those who spend it on themselves. The same is true, not only in giving money, but when giving time and talent as well. Selflessly enriching the lives of others leaves a palpable, positive change–and it’s contagious!
Generosity comes in many forms
Generosity is not limited to the clichés. While, of course, donating money and volunteering at shelters is a wonderful thing, it’s okay to be creative in the ways that you give to others. A practical way to get started with this is putting your generous energy towards something you sincerely love doing. Do you love to cook? Help whoever is preparing your Thanksgiving dinner. Do you love art? Make works of art for a local nursing home around this holiday season. Do you love sports? Sign up to volunteer at a sports camp or coach a team next spring.
Practice benefits generosity
It can be painstakingly difficult to master the art of generosity. It is no easy task to always know when to give, how to give, who to give to, and how much to give. However, it does get easier with practice. You will become more aware of your limits, whether it’s more or less than what you are already doing. In no time, you will be a natural.
There are a lot of things in life we cannot choose, but we all can choose to give. During this holiday season let’s not lose sight of the value of giving to others.
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